- New relationships are supposed to be happy and exciting, but cheating can bring that all crashing down — it can be way more than just a little complication
- However, cheating doesn’t mean the end of the relationship, nor does it mean the beginning of the end of the relationship
- INSIDER turned to experts to figure out how couples can make a relationship work when it starts with cheating
- After someone cheats, good communication is essential
- New boundaries are a must
At the beginning of a new relationship, things should be exciting and, generally, happy. It’s called the “honeymoon stage” for a reason, after all. But when cheating happens at the very beginning of the relationship, those happy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings can become heavier and more conflicted. Cheating, of course, complicates things and, in some cases can be the end of the relationship.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Experts say that there are things that you can do to make the relationship work — even when it starts with cheating — if that’s what you want to do.
“Cheating does not have to represent a death sentence for a relationship,” Anahid Lisa Derbabian, MA, LPC, NCC, a licensed professional counselor, told INSIDER. “When a relationship begins with infidelity and the lies and deception around it, a couple can turn the corner and create a healthy relationship if they are ready for deeper work, such as connecting deeply with themselves and each other, experiencing healing, and very real communication.”
If a relationship starts with cheating, there’s a level of dishonesty, betrayal, and a lack of communication. So it’s understandable that there’s a lot of potential obstacles when either you or your partner cheats at the beginning of your relationship.
The relationship isn’t necessarily destined for failure. But repairing it is going to take a lot of work from both sides.
“Difficulty establishing trust in a relationship that began with cheating is inevitable,” Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LD, the founder of DML Psychological Services, told INSIDER. “While the relationship is not automatically doomed, it will require a great deal of patience and reassurance to work.”
First, you have to determine whether or not you want the relationship to work out and reflect on if each of you are truly committed to the relationship or not. “If you have a strong readiness to go deep and learn more about yourself and your significant other, then the relationship has a good chance to overcome the challenge,” Derbabian said.
One of the things that you need to do if you’re going to fight for your relationship after it begins with an episode of cheating is focus on being forthcoming and transparent. With cheating, there’s a lot of secrecy, and one of the best ways to rebuild the trust that’s been lost is by being transparent with one another, even when things are difficult.
“All relationships start with a necessary level of transparency as you’re getting to know one another,” Anna Osborn, MA, LPCC, LMFT, a licensed marriage, and family therapist, told INSIDER. “Relationships that start when cheating has occurred need to have a higher level of transparency in order for the couple to not only get to know each other but also to contrast against the secrecy that occurred during the course of the betrayal.”
Accountability and honesty both help with the healing process. It’s important to be proactive and set new rules.
Along with transparency, setting boundaries and holding each other accountable is key. That too will help you rebuild trust because you’ll both have an idea about what to expect and what’s OK and what’s not.
“This means setting ground rules for the relationship, defining rules and boundaries,” Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker, told INSIDER. “Also, the couple will need to set rules on how to address having relationships with others. It’s important to be proactive because it will save the couple from arguments in the future.”
Keeping one another accountable is also important. “Following through on your word is extremely important during the initial healing process,” Osborn said. “Don’t make false promises or agree to things that you can’t follow through on.”
Dealing with other people’s perceptions of your relationship will also likely be a bit stressful on the two of you. If your friends and family members are aware of the cheating (whether it’s how you both got together or one or the other of you cheated at the beginning of your relationship), it can be difficult for them to wholeheartedly accept the relationship, Glover Tawwab said. “Also, if children are involved they may not support the relationship,” Glover Tawwab added.
Discussing why the cheating occurred can be beneficial. It can help form a deeper understanding of each other and your relationship.
When you’re struggling with repairing the damage that cheating did on your fledgling relationship, you might also benefit from talking about what might have led to the cheating in the first place.
“Infidelity may have arisen due to a variety of issues, ranging from traumas in one’s past, insecurities about self, reactions to decisions/behaviors of your partner, etc., so getting clarity as to what led to the cheating behaviors will shed light on areas of healing and growth for your partner and for you,” Derbabian said. “Thus, sharing your thoughts, feelings, and reasons why this occurred as well as processing together your partner’s feelings, thoughts, grief, etc., will be essential.”
Additionally, you need to determine what a successful and healthy relationship looks like to both of you. Again, this comes back to communication. You both need to understand the expectations that the other has for the relationship. Derbabian said that this kind of conversation can help provide a framework of support, helping you to work towards that ideal.
Working with a professional can also be a good idea, as it inserts someone who is removed from the situation and can speak from a place of help rather than judgment. And though some people might struggle to understand your relationship or why you’re fighting so hard to make it work, it’s important to remember that every relationship faces obstacles.
Most of all, recovering is going to take effort.
“Every couple is unique,” Prestell Askia, author of The Couples Cure Book: Mastering the Art of Relationships in 7 Easy Steps, told INSIDER. “Each couple has its challenges. An affair-based relationship requires even more diligence to preserve the partnership. Committed couples who sincerely choose to improve their relationship can make a partnership survive; fully understanding that it will take effort. Equally important these couples must be willing to do the work necessary to weather their partnership storms. My guidance to both individuals and couples has always been an attitude of acceptance. I also provide the following tough love counsel: you can’t change the past — what’s done is done; however, you can affect the future. The question is: what are you going to do about it now to make a better life for yourself and those you love? The affairs-based relationship is complicated…also know that it is doable.”
Ultimately, with commitment, transparency, accountability, and communication, you can make a relationship work, even when it starts with cheating. Going into it knowing that there will be challenges and that it will take time can be helpful. And asking for professional help can also help get you to where you want to be together.
Jack Owens – Steve Gruber Show
/in AMS Intel Page /by Allen Media Strategieshttps://stevegruber.podbean.com/e/jack-owens-why-maria-butina-targeted-the-nra-the-red-haired-russian-femme-fatale-who-warmed-conservative-hearts/
Homer Hickam on Talkline with Hoppy Kerchevel on WV Metro News
/in AMS Intel Page /by Allen Media StrategiesLongtime AMS client Homer Hickam on Talkline with Hoppy Kercheval on WV Metro News talking about Rocket Boys the Musical that runs this weekend ONLY at Theater West Virginia, starting Friday, July 20 to Sunday, July 22. The musical is based on #1 New York Bestselling Memoir by Homer Hickam. Click here to listen to the interview https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBk00ViWGG0
Get your tickets today at theatrewestvirginia.org or call 304-256-6800.
Rocket Boys The Musical soars into Theatre West Virginia this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, July 20, 21 and 22
/in AMS Intel Page /by Allen Media StrategiesThe exciting story of Homer Hickam and the Rocket Boys of Camp Coalwood will land on Theatre West Virginia’s stage at Cliffside Amphitheatre at Grandview near Beckley for the fourth time.
Based on the beloved New York Times’ #1 best-seller by Homer Hickam, theatre-goers will be transported to Coalwood, circa 1957, with the help of the cast of Rocket Boys The Musical. In Theatre West Virginia’s continued effort for diverse casts, African-American actress Rhayne Thomas will play Elsie Hickam. Homer Hickam was so delighted with the selection of Rhayne to play his mom that he sent Ms. Thomas a piece of Elsie’s jewelry to wear during the run of the show.
While Rocket Boys The Musical was scheduled to open Wednesday, July 18, the technicians managing the pyrotechnic effects wanted a few more days to make sure they have things right. Theatre West Virginia general manager Scott Hill said; “We want to make absolutely certain that the rocket launches and other special effects in the show function properly. The safety of our cast, crew, and audience are our number-one concern.”
The first one hundred people attending Friday’s opening night performance will receive a Rocket Boys The Musical poster autographed by Homer Hickam. Mr. Hickam will be in attendance for Friday night’s performance to greet fans of the play, his New York Times #1 best-selling book Rocket Boysand the movie about his life October Sky.
This fan favorite will make its way to Theatre West Virginia’s 1,260 seat Cliffside Amphitheatre at Grandview in the New River Gorge National River outside Beckley, W. Va. beginning Friday, July 20. With only three show dates available including July 20, 21 and 22, performances begin nightly at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are available by visiting the Theatre West Virginia Online Box Office or by calling 304-256-6800.
Prestell Askia’s useful insights on Relationships: www.thisisinsider.com
/in AMS Intel Page /by Allen Media StrategiesAt the beginning of a new relationship, things should be exciting and, generally, happy. It’s called the “honeymoon stage” for a reason, after all. But when cheating happens at the very beginning of the relationship, those happy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings can become heavier and more conflicted. Cheating, of course, complicates things and, in some cases can be the end of the relationship.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Experts say that there are things that you can do to make the relationship work — even when it starts with cheating — if that’s what you want to do.
“Cheating does not have to represent a death sentence for a relationship,” Anahid Lisa Derbabian, MA, LPC, NCC, a licensed professional counselor, told INSIDER. “When a relationship begins with infidelity and the lies and deception around it, a couple can turn the corner and create a healthy relationship if they are ready for deeper work, such as connecting deeply with themselves and each other, experiencing healing, and very real communication.”
If a relationship starts with cheating, there’s a level of dishonesty, betrayal, and a lack of communication. So it’s understandable that there’s a lot of potential obstacles when either you or your partner cheats at the beginning of your relationship.
The relationship isn’t necessarily destined for failure. But repairing it is going to take a lot of work from both sides.
“Difficulty establishing trust in a relationship that began with cheating is inevitable,” Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LD, the founder of DML Psychological Services, told INSIDER. “While the relationship is not automatically doomed, it will require a great deal of patience and reassurance to work.”
One of the things that you need to do if you’re going to fight for your relationship after it begins with an episode of cheating is focus on being forthcoming and transparent. With cheating, there’s a lot of secrecy, and one of the best ways to rebuild the trust that’s been lost is by being transparent with one another, even when things are difficult.
“All relationships start with a necessary level of transparency as you’re getting to know one another,” Anna Osborn, MA, LPCC, LMFT, a licensed marriage, and family therapist, told INSIDER. “Relationships that start when cheating has occurred need to have a higher level of transparency in order for the couple to not only get to know each other but also to contrast against the secrecy that occurred during the course of the betrayal.”
Accountability and honesty both help with the healing process. It’s important to be proactive and set new rules.
Along with transparency, setting boundaries and holding each other accountable is key. That too will help you rebuild trust because you’ll both have an idea about what to expect and what’s OK and what’s not.
Keeping one another accountable is also important. “Following through on your word is extremely important during the initial healing process,” Osborn said. “Don’t make false promises or agree to things that you can’t follow through on.”
Dealing with other people’s perceptions of your relationship will also likely be a bit stressful on the two of you. If your friends and family members are aware of the cheating (whether it’s how you both got together or one or the other of you cheated at the beginning of your relationship), it can be difficult for them to wholeheartedly accept the relationship, Glover Tawwab said. “Also, if children are involved they may not support the relationship,” Glover Tawwab added.
Discussing why the cheating occurred can be beneficial. It can help form a deeper understanding of each other and your relationship.
When you’re struggling with repairing the damage that cheating did on your fledgling relationship, you might also benefit from talking about what might have led to the cheating in the first place.
Additionally, you need to determine what a successful and healthy relationship looks like to both of you. Again, this comes back to communication. You both need to understand the expectations that the other has for the relationship. Derbabian said that this kind of conversation can help provide a framework of support, helping you to work towards that ideal.
Working with a professional can also be a good idea, as it inserts someone who is removed from the situation and can speak from a place of help rather than judgment. And though some people might struggle to understand your relationship or why you’re fighting so hard to make it work, it’s important to remember that every relationship faces obstacles.
Most of all, recovering is going to take effort.
“Every couple is unique,” Prestell Askia, author of The Couples Cure Book: Mastering the Art of Relationships in 7 Easy Steps, told INSIDER. “Each couple has its challenges. An affair-based relationship requires even more diligence to preserve the partnership. Committed couples who sincerely choose to improve their relationship can make a partnership survive; fully understanding that it will take effort. Equally important these couples must be willing to do the work necessary to weather their partnership storms. My guidance to both individuals and couples has always been an attitude of acceptance. I also provide the following tough love counsel: you can’t change the past — what’s done is done; however, you can affect the future. The question is: what are you going to do about it now to make a better life for yourself and those you love? The affairs-based relationship is complicated…also know that it is doable.”
“A reminder of American hospitality” – Daily Times by Amb. Akbar Ahmed
/in AMS Intel Page /by Allen Media StrategiesA reminder of American hospitality
The Sonoma Valley Authors Festival reminded Zeenat and me that Americans could be warm and inclusive, even in these troubled times
Akbar Ahmed
In early May, Zeenat and I had the privilege of traveling to Sonoma, California to speak as part of the inaugural Sonoma Valley Authors Festival. Organised by power couple David and Ginny Freeman, the weekend-long festival, held at The Lodge at Sonoma, a lavish resort, welcomed acclaimed authors from around the country and across the world to share their work and their transformative ideas with one another.
The Sonoma Valley, located about 45 miles north of San Francisco, is considered the birth place of the world-renowned California wine industry. American novelist Jack London, whose local ranch has been preserved as the Jack London State Historic Park, claimed that the term “Sonoma” came from a Native American word which means “valley of the moon.” Today, as the heart of the famous California Wine Country, it is a renowned tourist destination which receives visitors from all over the world.
During my visit, I was impressed by the hospitality of the people and enjoyed the beautiful landscape, with vineyards dotting the rolling hills and mountains as far as the eye could see. While of course, as a Muslim, I could not partake in the local craft, I could certainly still appreciate the beauty of the countryside and the vibrancy of the vineyards.
I was delighted to immediately see such a large and engaged crowd awaiting the presentations of all the authors attending the festival. This year’s festival welcomed 550 people, its maximum capacity, and 102 people were enrolled on the waiting list.
The leaders and visionaries behind the festival could not have been warmer and more welcoming toward me. David Lambert, a top CEO, personally drove us to and from Santa Rosa so I could speak on Students Day and stopped to buy us, what he said were, “the best strawberries you will ever taste.”
When asked about the inspiration for the inaugural festival, David and Ginny shared with me that the idea was conceived when they traveled to other authors’ festivals throughout the West. As David wrote, “Ginny and I attended the Sun Valley Writers Conference in Sun Valley, Idaho four years ago and found the experience enriching. The personal stories of the authors and the wide variety of topics that they discussed in their books was interesting and entertaining. As Ginny likes to say, ‘going to an author’s festival is like taking a vacation with a purpose.’ After Sun Valley, we attended festivals in Pebble Beach and Rancho Mirage, California.”
Ginny perhaps best encapsulated the mission of the festival in sharing her belief that attendees should “be prepared to be informed and transformed by what you hear!” David and Ginny hope to further expand the festival, with the goal of one-day welcoming 1,000 attendees to the heart of the Sonoma Valley for a weekend of enriching intellectual exchange.
I had the privilege over the course of the festival to meet several of the prominent authors invited to the festival. These included legendary American presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, a warm-spirited woman who told me she has even been featured on The Simpsons, David Brooks, a famous New York Times columnist, and Niall Ferguson, an Oxford, Harvard, and Stanford scholar who has written extensively on international and Western imperial history. I also met Deepa Thomas, who has written a popular memoir cum cookbook titled Deepa’s Secrets: Slow Carb New Indian Cuisine. The book aims to help type-2 diabetes patients control their condition through diet and was initially inspired by her husband’s type-2 diabetes diagnosis. All proceeds from the book are going to FoodCorps, an American non-profit which helps to ensure that school children across the country have access to nutritious food options. The Thomases live in San Francisco and are originally from South India. I also heard Dr Eric Topol, a cardiologist and professor of genomics in San Diego who in 2009 was selected as one of the twelve Rockstars of Science in GQ Magazine.
To open the festival, I travelled to Sonoma Academy, an esteemed private high school of some 295 students, where I presented Journey into Europe: Islam, Immigration, and Identity to a full hall. The program was part of Students Day, a program for which eleven authors were asked to travel to schools in and around Sonoma and present their books to the community. 2,700 students participated, and as part of Students Day, 5,100 books were given to participating students thanks to the support of some $50,000 in private donations.
My presentation at the Sonoma Academy received two standing ovations, and I was most impressed by the high calibre of the students and the questions they asked. They flocked after the presentation to get my signature on their copies of Journey into Europe and to get pictures with me.
Back at the lodge, I had the privilege of launching Journey into Europe and showing a clip of the companion film in a program moderated by Ambassador Doug Holladay, who stole the show with his usual warmth and wit. Ambassador Holladay, the former Special Ambassador to South Africa, is the founder and CEO of Path North, an organization seeking to bring senior leaders from around Washington and the country together to discuss challenges they face in their work and learn to become stronger leaders. He also co-founded such private equity firms as Park Avenue Equity Partners, L.P. and Elgin Capital Partners LP and holds an Executive-in-Residence position at Georgetown University.
In his warm introduction, Ambassador Holladay described me as a most relevant scholar whose work is needed here and in the Muslim world in order to bridge the two civilizations. His remarks harkened back to when Holladay and I first met right after 9/11 when I was speaking at the National Press Club in Washington. Ever since he has been a great friend and supporter. He also acknowledged Zeenat in his introduction, noting how she has been a strong champion in her own right for the cause of bridging bridges between the West and the Muslim world. He even highlighted her royal background as the granddaughter of the Wali of Swat. I reminded the audience though, that Zeenat was not related to the great “Sultan of Swat,” Babe Ruth, striking a chord with the Americans in the room.
The leaders and visionaries behind the festival could not have been warmer and more welcoming toward Zeenat and me. For example, David Lambert, a top CEO, personally drove us to and from Santa Rosa so I could speak on Students Day and stopped to buy us what he said were “the best strawberries you will ever taste.” His wife Ann was equally hospitable. Julie Jones constantly looked after us with warmth and vigour to make sure we had everything we needed. We felt very special for the duration of our stay.
As a show of the warmth of all who put together this remarkable festival, it is worth sharing that after Zeenat and I returned to Washington, Julie sent us this lovely note: “Good morning — what a distinct honour and pleasure to meet you both and have a moment of memories of treasured times in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Kashmi, and India — plus a freighter trip across the Indian Ocean from Bombay to South Africa. Thank you for all the work you (and your family) do for our world. With best of wishes, Julie.”
The Sonoma Valley Authors Festival reminded Zeenat and me that Americans could be warm and inclusive, even in these troubled times.
The writer is the Ibn Khaldun Chair of Islamic Studies at American University, Washington, DC, and author of Journey into Europe: Islam, Immigration, and Identity
Published in Daily Times, June 30th, 2018.